Creative Writing: Puberific

(Devon Nitz | The Oswegonian)
(Devon Nitz | The Oswegonian)

There are two types of hair that mark a boy’s passage into manhood. The first is the mustachio, the ever so glorious flavor savor. It’s a clear fact, that the kid in sixth grade who sprouted his peach fuzz was something of a legend. Yeah he was 15 years old but that was arbitrary. You don’t put an asterisk on history.

The next hair isn’t as glorious as the mustache, but it isn’t any less important. The pube. Yes, I’m talking about the downstairs situation. Without a doubt, it isn’t as impressive as the mustache but this is a functional set of follicles. As men and women, our…crown jewels, as I’ll call them for these purposes, are one of the most essential items in our lives.

Think of your pubes as the honor guard of your precious gems. We strive every day to keep our goods clean, yet we push our honor guard to the side, why? We clip these defenders like a common suburban lawn. It could all just be ignorance, perhaps the masses are unaware of the benefits of the subtle defenders. The time for ignorance is over. All must know: save the pubes.

Since prehistoric times the pubes have been worshipped as an elite defense force. This continued all the way up to the 21st century, until our modern attitudes once again destroyed another tradition of the great human history.

When the threat of STD’s and other uncouth pathogens attack, do you know who stops ‘em? Your pubes stop ‘em that’s who. Those little guys and gals only strive to keep you in tip-top shape, and once again we repay them with hot wax and sheers. When will the atrocities stop? And more importantly when will the world learn?

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