Fools dare to wear shorts in wintry tundra

(Steven Radford | The Oswegonian)
(Steven Radford | The Oswegonian)

For sane people, winter means bundling up and trying, unsuccessfully, to fight off the cold. But there are a select few who roam the Oswego State campus who do not conform to reason. These deranged individuals go against the grain, for reasons unknown to regular folks, and walk around in sub-30 degree temperatures in shorts.

Trying to understand why people choose to expose themselves from their knees to their ankles in brutal conditions is a mindboggling task. Each time I see someone in shorts in January and February, I want to personally transport him or her to the nearest psychiatric facility and have him or her committed.

Now, there are some exceptions, of course. For those going to and from the gym, or going on a run, shorts are acceptable, for there is a purpose behind the attire. But for the majority, shorts are inexcusable.

Some of you may be saying, “But bro, I’ve lived in upstate New York my whole life. The cold doesn’t bother me.” Shut up. You and I know damn well that the cold irritates you. I could bundle up with two hoodies, a winter jacket and three pairs of snow pants and the moment I step outside I want to dive into the nearest volcano. You are not a hero.

In fact, there should be some type of enforcement against these people. University Police should be out there giving out tickets to shorts-wearers for their own protection. That’s a much better usage of time than giving out tickets for parking in an empty employee lot at 6 p.m. (I may or may not have received a hefty amount of those).

Not only is wearing shorts in February idiotic, it also dilutes the feeling of being able to wear them when it is actually appropriate. Everyone knows the thrill of the warm weather returning and finally being able to wear shorts and a T-shirt after surviving yet another harsh winter. It’s a liberating feeling, one that I look forward to every March, or in Oswego’s case, May.

Nobody wins with shorts in the winter. You trudge through the snow and slush at 8 a.m., hoping you arrive at your class before your legs turn to popsicles, and everyone else looks down upon you with shock and pity. If you are one of these winter criminals, please don’t mistake people looking at you as envy. They are trying to comprehend what compels you to step outside and not immediately turn around and head back to your room to change into appropriate attire.

And please don’t mistake this article as venom aimed at those who wear shorts. This is meant to shame them into reason. Stop making yourself suffer to prove a point. You’re cold, I’m cold, everyone else is cold and we all hate it. There’s no reason to make things worse for yourself. So tomorrow morning, when you wake up and get dressed, grab those sweatpants. Nobody will look down upon you, and you may end up liking yourself a little bit more.

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