Three rules for football fans to live by

Football is back and with it comes one of the most unbearable things in all of sports: armchair analysts. Most football fans believe they could easily lead their favorite team to victory if an NFL owner would read their brilliant gameday tweets and give them a chance.

But the reality is, nobody cares about your opinion on how your team’s offense needs to dominate the line of scrimmage, or how you think the defense would be so much more productive if it blitzed more. Too many people take to Twitter each Sunday and share their thoughts on X’s and O’s, which, unless a National Football League team employs you, means absolutely nothing.

And as long as we are on the subject, nobody, and I mean not a single soul on Earth other than you, gives a damn about your fantasy team. The worst type of person is the one who goes up to someone the day after a game and says, “Hey, did you see the game last night? (Interchangeable player who I do not care about) got me 10 fantasy points.”

In a just society, the only acceptable response to that would be a fist to the temple. Unfortunately, we live in a world where these cretins can run wild and waste my time.

Each week, it becomes more and more apparent that people don’t know how to discuss football intelligently. The good thing is there are only three rules to follow when tweeting about football: 1. Is your favorite team playing? No? Shut up. 2. If your favorite team is playing and winning, shut up. 3. If your favorite team is playing and losing, feel free to tweet about how much they suck.

That’s it. Do not tweet about any adjustments your team should make in order to win, or mention what your team is doing right that has it ahead. Nobody cares, and you are only wasting your time and making people like you just a little bit less.

If everyone followed those simple guidelines, Twitter would be a much more enjoyable place to enter on Sundays. Remember: you are not Jon Gruden breaking down game tape 16 hours a day. You are a college kid watching from your couch. You are not an analyst.

Oh, and one more thing. If you know anyone who calls his or her fanhood a “nation,” as in #JetsNation, or the even more unbearable #BillsMafia, eliminate that person from your life. Those people do not deserve to know the joys of friendship.

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