A week and a half ago, many Christians across the world ushered in Lent. Lent is the 40 days leading up to Easter when many Christians attempt to show solidarity with Christ’s journey through the deserts of the Middle East while being tempted by Satan, refusing to eat and then eventually being crucified.
Traditionally, people ‘give stuff up.’ For example, one year my sister gave up calling me fat. More positive Christians have started to opt for ‘doing something nice.’ This year I have decided to actually clean my room, kitchen and shower in my townhouse. As you can imagine, my housemates are thrilled.
A couple days ago, while I was taking a shower and staring at some soap scum that I would eventually scrub away, I had an epiphany. I won’t go so far as to say Christ spoke to me as I was shampooing my hair, but it was close. I was thinking about Lent and people’s promises. Then I was thinking about how corporations are now considered people here in America and BAM it hit me. Christian corporations should make Lenten promises like the rest of us!
As this status of personhood has only recently been placed on American corporations, I have selected three Christian owned companies and have written up some helpful Lent suggestions. You’re welcome in advance, Corporate America.
1. Forever 21: First of all, I know I just blew your mind with the fact that Forever 21 is a Christian-owned company. In case you haven’t noticed, those cheery yellow bags have “John 3:16” printed on them and that’s one of the big Bible verses, so my Grandma tells me.
Anyway, here’s the deal, Forever 21: I love your clothes but I feel they have been allowing me to dress more like Jezebel than the Virgin Mary. That may be part of my college fashion tendencies but apart from that verse on your bags, no one would ever know that Jesus is your homeboy.
My Lent promise suggestion for you: If you really like Jesus, put that on your clothes and cheap jewelry, not just on your shopping bags. I would love to go to the mall and walk out with a Bible heroes midriff top. You could even take a more subtle approach and make shirts that have Psalms on them. Get that Soul Surfer girl to endorse your clothes and you’ll have it made.
2. Chick-Fil-A: Pretty much everyone knows about this company’s Christian background, mostly because of their staunch refusal to be open on Sundays. I haven’t had Chick-Fil-A in a while but it is glorious, and if there is one thing I love more than Jesus, it’s fried chicken.
My Lent promise suggestion for you: Expand your chain throughout New York State. I would be a very happy person if there was a Chick-Fil-A in Oswego, Fulton or Syracuse. Seriously, Chick-Fil-A would be great up here. Are there a lot of atheists, agnostics and people of other faiths? Yeah, but they’re nice and I bet they love fried chicken too! Give this liberal state a try. We’re not so bad! Oh yeah, and another Lent promise you could do: stop donating food to all those anti-gay people; that’s not nice.
3. Walmart: Where do I even begin? To be honest Walmart, I don’t know you all that well. I wasn’t allowed to venture into your stores until college because my hippie parents did not want to support your business practices. I personally have found myself to be far less principled, and poorer than they are, so we’ve spent some time together but not a lot. For you, Walmart, I will be brief.
My Lent promise suggestion for you: Stop exploiting foreign workers to make cheap things, stop treating your employees badly and be nice to your female employees too. That pretty much sums that up.
I know this will be hard Forever 21, Chick-Fil-A and Walmart, but if you believe Jesus was nailed to a cross, died, came back, and forgave your corporate sins, the least you can do is follow my suggestions. I look forward to your Lenten press releases.