On Halloween night I handed over my plastic yard glass and two quarters to the bartender and received a strange green brew that tasted nothing like the green juice I had with lunch earlier that day. Actually, it tasted just like Miller Lite; at least that’s what the logo on the glass seems to indicate. Green? Did St. Patrick’s Day come early this year? I wish. There are few things I like better than eating meat and drinking Irish stout. But alas, no. I felt underdressed, like I should be wearing a leprechaun costume or dye my beard red. Maybe next year.
As I walked out to the patio to sneak a quick breath of fresh air, I looked down at my hand, clenching this oblong glass. My hand was down to the bulbous bottom, right below the not-so-sturdy grip area in the middle. Though I couldn’t see it, I know a look of dread flooded my face. I knew it was coming.
In a moment, a rush of this artificially colored beer would rain down upon me in full force. One cannot simply sip out of this glass casually and go about their night. No careless last sips before your friends want to go back up for a refill. One must tilt the glass beyond any reasonable angle to get those last sips, ahem, glugs of beer.
Crossing my fingers, hoping that the green dye doesn’t stain my shirt, I think of my humble friend: the mug. It’s short, stout and most importantly, handled. It may not be flashy, but I have been drinking coffee and tea, and now beer, out of it my whole life.
There are many bad things in this world. Drugs, crime, violence and abnormally shaped glassware, just to name a few. Sometime last year, my friends and I thought it would be funny to buy glass boots to drink out of. Six of us in the house, five bucks a pop. You can’t go wrong, right? Wrong. If you don’t tilt the glass the right way when the beer reaches the foot, it’s the Niagara Falls of beer and there’s no barrel to protect you.
So why do they do it? Perfection has already been achieved. It may seem like lofty praise, but tell me one bad thing about the mug. See? Impossible. Liquids do not need to be drank from wavy, curvy, topsy-turvy glasses. Next time, while everyone grabs their tall, awkwardly-shaped plastic tube, I’ll have my mug; and the contents will never be sweeter.