It’s almost the middle of February and we all know what that means: Valentine’s Day is screaming at you like a toddler on a plane. Four days away.
Once again, you’ll be spending the holiday home alone like some crazy cat lady, sans cats. As each day passes it becomes clear that Catholics built this holiday as some sort of failed Inquisition torture tool that took on a life of its own like a monster in a low-budget Japanese horror film. It’s the characteristic guilt and shame that give it away: guilt that you don’t have a date. The shame well for Catholics that’s just good measure.
We all know that being without a date on Valentine’s Day is basically the cultural equivalent of admitting you ate a bug and kind of liked it. People are going to look at you funny, then start calling you names behind your back.
But wait. What if you didn’t spend February’s most important holiday alone? If only there was someone to teach you the ways of coupledom and set you on a path to V-Day companionship: a guru of game, a swami of seduction, a professor of… cute cats (think about it). Fear not spinsters of Oswego, I am back again to dispense three more sure-fire tips to land you a date for St. Valentine’s feast.
1. Aim (aggressively) low
Listen up kids, Charles Dickens wrote a book called “Great Expectations,” but I know for a fact that it wasn’t about you. You’re more likely the kind person who inspired Mick Jagger’s “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” But remember, if you try sometimes you get what you need, so long as what you need is not meth.
The point is that we don’t have time to find you the perfect mate, only one who probably won’t light you on fire and try to make a flesh-suit with your charred remains.
Now, I’m pretty gangsta; I listen to loads of Jay-Z. One of the main themes of rap music is trying to describe the perfect woman. It’s a project that’s been under way since the Renaissance when Sir Walter Raleigh quipped, “Babygirl yo’ p***y lookin’ so vacant.” Or maybe that was Lil’ Wayne. I always get those two confused. Mostly what I’ve learned is that the perfect woman has the best parts of other famous women. Kim Kardashian’s behind, Angelina Jolie’s lips and Meryl Streep’s arm fat, you get the picture.
Why do I bring this up? You can’t expect that kind of perfection anymore. Maybe your date won’t look like Megan Fox, but hey, you might not be that good looking either. That’s why God created alcohol.
George Brenard Shaw famously said, “Love consists of over-estimating the differences between one woman and another.” My method works by devaluing the differences. Question one: Is the date breathing (If not, see question two)? Question Two: Is the date a life-long smoker with a tracheotomy hole who is incapable of breathing but is otherwise sexually functioning? There is no question three.
2. Personal Ads
It used to be that when a man or woman became intolerably lonely they would use a telephone attached to a wall to dial up a newspaper company and list a few qualities they admired in a mate to be printed in the newspaper along with contact information. Then they all jumped in their Model-Ts and headed down to the swap meet to discuss how well Germany was recovering from WWI. Ladies and gents, it was the age of the personal ad, and it was glorious!
For modern examples, see Craigslist. Better yet, have Morgan Freeman narrate Craigslist ads to you. Either way, consider responding to these people who are so generously putting themselves out there.
Maybe you’d like to place an ad yourself? In this case, it’s important to throw abbreviations around with abandon. Who cares what they mean as long as they make the ad less expensive and more mysterious? You can rest assured that someone out there will be interested, because that’s the magic of the Internet. I’ll give you a template; feel free to crib it:
“BBW looking for SWM. Live in OZ. Will travel. DDF. DTF. DDT. Be a BAMF. SCUBA.”
3. You, only less
As a certified dating coach, I’ve memorized all 29 dimensions of compatibility. However, no one ever mentions the thirtieth dimension: can she tie a knot in the stem of cherry using just her tongue?
Putting that aside, Ben Franklin was known to say, “If what you do is what you’ve always done, then what you’ll get will be what you always got.” (Or was that Kanye West?) For Franklin, what he always did was invent stuff. And what he always got was fine colonial dime pieces (and a little syphilis). Following Ben’s lead, I’m suggesting some drastic modifications to your physical appearance. And fast.
Besides, people generally react positively to any perceived change in appearance, because society tells us that’s the polite thing to do when Oprah puts on weight. Maybe your friends and family won’t recognize you—that means you can hit on people who’ve previously rejected you like pre-sorted mail.
I know what you’re thinking: “But Adam, four days are too few for a boob job or pectoral implants.” Be not afraid. I have other less surgical interventions.
For ladies: Shapeware, specifically Spanx Booty-Boosting Slim-Cognito Mid-thigh short-shorts; $62.00 at Spanx.com. If that seems expensive, perhaps I could loan you a portion of the product placement check I just earned by making that suggestion. Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you Bootylicious. And men at the gym aren’t staring at you to see how loving you are.
For men: shave off all of your hair. I’m serious. All the common stories associated with head shaving enhance your possibilities for dates. Think about it: Did he do it to raise cancer awareness? That’s sweet. I want to ask him out for drinks. Did he shave his head to pursue a life of spirituality and self-denial? That’s mysterious; I want to take him back to my sorority. Did he shave his head in preparation for live-saving surgery on a metastatic brain tumor? That’s sad; I want to have his babies.
Well there you have it boys and girls, three can’t-miss strategies for getting a date in the next four days. So in the words of Jesus, “go forth and multiply.” (Or was that my fourth-grade math teacher?)