How to land a date in three days

It’s happened again, and you can’t remember how. You are single again and Valentine’s Day is three days away. Where does this holiday come from? It sneaks up on you like a thief in the night and hits you with a sock full of batteries. Hide your kids. Hide your wife. Oh wait, you don’t have either of those. But don’t despair. It’s me again, back to help you get another speedy, meaningless microwave relationship in time to spare you the utter bloody hell that is spending Feb. 14 alone. Here are three tips, one for every day until V-Day.

Strategy I: Whores

People say money can’t buy love; those people are lying communists. Sure, maybe it is not the province of dollars to find your soul mate. But money can get you the next best thing: a vibrating circular bed with stained sheets in a dimly lit room and cheap, easy physical stimulation with a girl named Candi, Brandi, or Bunni (or maybe a guy named Jack Package). If this doesn’t exactly spell romance, remember, you are desperate—and after all, the word romance, rearranged, spells ‘cream on.’

Remember, everyone has a price; get ready to make some indecent proposals. Don’t get shy if you get a few initial slaps to the face, and don’t forget that nothing gets a girl going like ‘The Notebook,’ so talk about that movie a lot.

Also, don’t neglect factoring in the ancillary charges that all hookers come with, namely the pimp’s commission (a low-class finders fee, really), spare change for vending-machine condoms, and the security deposit you’ll lose if she overdoes it on the meth.

In general, it is not polite to haggle over prices; however, if you must, always the low price. Stick to your guns and just keep low-balling (no pun intended).

Play your cards right and you might be the new client number nine.

Strategy II: Robots.

Maybe you can’t find the love of your life (or at least of your Feb. 14).

Wouldn’t you love a significant other that didn’t need to cuddle and had a mute button. That’s the stuff of dreams. Think robots—the DIY man’s hooker, some assembly required. It’s much better to build a date anyway; think of the savings on food and gifts. And if society says its okay to build a bear, then you can build a date. So make sure you know your wing nut from your screwdriver, because you’re about to use both (tee-hee).

It’s like the old saying goes: every boy is looking to marry his mother(board).

Strategy III: Date yourself

Something about V-Day releases a proverbial stampede of frisky buffaloes ready to trample you underfoot of societal judgment. If you are in a relationship, then Valentine’s puts it under a hot Klieg light and slaps it around, looking for signs of weakness. If you are alone, it’s worse. It is an occasion to open the floodgates of doubt and self-loathing: why aren’t I in a relationship? Am I unlovable? Why can’t I look like the people on MTV; if only my one boob wasn’t bigger than the other.

The answer is yes, you probably are unlovable; but let’s focus on what we can fix in three days.

Instead of running head-long into the loneliness, consider not hiding in your house, curling up into the fetal position and crying your way through a gallon of mint chocolate chip and a re-run of ‘Pretty Woman.’ (‘If only I had a pretty smile like Julia, then somebody would like me’). Rather, do the opposite. Do all the Valentine’s Day things you would do with a partner, but do them by yourself instead.

This requires courage, but it is worth it in the end. Like they say, if you can’t beat them join them; in this case, you may be able to beat them (not physically, don’t get too excited). But just imagine the look on the faces of those holier-than-thou couples when they can’t get a seat at the nice restaurant in town. And why—because you’ve parked yourself in a booth since 6 p.m. with a standing order for saucy chicken wings and tequila shooters. While perched in your foxhole of V-Day guerilla warfare, you should try to make yourself a minor annoyance. Here are some ideas: fake a small seizure every half hour, right as you see two love birds go in for a smooch. Or keep sending drinks to the female halves of married couples. This is all just to freak them out. And all that quiet time alone you’ll have plenty of time to hear your biological clock ticking. Revenge is a dish best served cold. So make sure to order some gazpacho in your single stakeout.