North Korean nuclear threat spurs face-off with China

On Nov. 23, a small island under the control of South Korea bore witness to the impending apocalypse. Yeonpyeong, an island that hosts a military garrison and some 1,600 residents, unwillingly became the recipient of over 100 North Korean artillery rounds. The strike left two South Korean marines dead, and wounded 13 more people.

North Korea decided the world has teetered on the edge of chaos for too long, and felt it was appropriate that everyone joined them in their misery. The North Korean situation is a two ton shark on a 10 pound test line, and we’ve been trying to pull in since the armistice in 1950. After 60 years of stress, the line is about to snap, and the only solution for reeling in the problem is the harpoon.

We always knew the end would begin in the Pacific. Even before we sent our boys away to be fodder in the jungles of Vietnam, and even before Pearl Harbor, we knew of the resilience and tenacity of the Orient and its people. And now, a small man in military garb and a love for Hollywood is going to doom us all.

What might be most enraging are the dullards that don’t bat an eye or burrow their Neanderthal brows as we prepare for what will be this nation’s third simultaneous war. My mother could barely manage her three children without going mad, how are the armed forces supposed to give equal attention to its soon-to-be three brats?

They can’t. We are unable to control the countries we occupy now, and as we settle down one nation’s tantrum, the other explodes itself in a crowded marketplace. Iraq and Afghanistan don’t have a Dear Leader to unify them or to give their life for, and we haven’t been able to unite their people to bring peace to the region. Actually, we have united them, against us. Perhaps, the only thing that might help an American occupation of the country is North Korean’s need to eat, something they haven’t done in awhile.

How can someone so dim need to wear such large and stylish sunglasses? The answer is: it doesn’t. Not when you are the Son of God and supreme leader of an entire nation. And that is exactly how Kim Jong Il feels. Impugned with a false sense of purpose, he knows the only thing that will raise his nation to glory is the savage subjugation of his own people, terrorizing his downstairs neighbors and an inability to interact competently on a global scale.

Alas, there is truly nothing to fear. The Cold War has passed, and the only country that remembers it is North Korea. The rest of the world’s nations have discovered something called prosperity and are reaching for it.

Once the globe could have been ensnared in an epic battle of good versus evil, and as the Fat Men and Little Boys fall from the sky we all would have forgot what the difference between our two ideologies was. Our existence could have been nothing more than that of a bead of sweat splashing on the smoldering asphalt in the middle of July. Those times are gone; we have new enemies without nations now, because nations that don’t fall in line can’t survive.

China has always kept the U.S. from seeking action against North Korea, but today the world is lucky that China has grown embarrassed of its little brother. As the two grew up together since the Korean War, China began to realize that its brother is the kind of guy that keeps dead animals in his freezer and has tried to keep Pyongyang at a safe distance.

Three days before the strike on South Korea, a U.S. nuclear scientist confirmed there was activity at an "ultra-modern" uranium enrichment plant within North Korea. Even without the possibility of a nuclear strike, the decimation of Seoul by the North has always been a worry. North Korea has the missile capability to level the city and the thought that they might isn’t a far-fetched idea. If Kim Jong Il felt as though his back was against the wall, what would stop him from destroying the city and crippling South Korea’s blossoming economy?

North Korea is the guy at the party that had too many drinks and feels the only way he can validate himself is a fight. We will give him what he wants, and it will be the final blow to our stability. If the U.S. can’t find adequate assistance in its fight against North Korea, we will be setting the collapse of America into motion.