If you are a human, this column is not for you.
This week The Oswegonian will reach out to an underserved community that doesn’t get the coverage it deserves. As it happens, the entire population has just returned from a whirlwind tour of the continent. Now they’re back, and we have decided to praise our fair-weather friends.
Dear Canadian Geese,
We see you’re finally back from that whole "migration" thing. In our opinion, skipping town because you’re trying to flee a public urination charge doesn’t really fit our definition of "migration," but we’ll take your word for it. Also, what do your employers do when you leave for the winter? Are you just trying escape your little goose responsibilities? If you ask us, this whole migration issue is an excuse for why you can’t hold onto a job.
And here’s some extra advice for you female Canadian geese: stop laying so many eggs. That’s a lot of maternity leave, and no one wants to pay for that.
This is America, the land of opportunity. Our migratory flight routes are paved with gold. All you need to do is put in the effort and pull yourselves up by your bootstraps (and don’t complain that there are no boots for webbed feet). All we’re saying is that the American dream is out there, waiting to be lived.
Oh, we forgot. You’re Canadian.
And while we’re on the subject of patriotism, let’s talk about that stunt you pulled with our last president. That’s right, we’re talking about Bush. You knew his nickname was "W," but that didn’t stop you. You just had to fly around in your little "V" patterns trying to make a left-wing political statement (were you trying to say he was only half a president?) We weren’t that fond of him either, but for God’s sake, he was the commander in chief. Have some class.
Okay so maybe we started it; maybe you have the right to be angry. Let’s face it, we disrespect you in our language all the time. Like when we say "your goose is cooked" to mean someone is in big trouble. Perhaps it’s a bit jarring when we threaten to "kill the goose that lays the golden eggs." How about when we set off on "wild goose chases"? Does that scare you, always being chased like that? Does it hurt your self-esteem when we use "goose-eggs" to mean worthless. Also, we can understand why you get offended when we say Hitler’s army had a certain "goose step." Finally, let it be said here, that what is good for the goose may not necessarily be good for the gander. Unless that thing is grass; you all seem to love eating grass.
But part of it is definitely your fault. You have a sick social dynamic. You’re in those groups all the time. Don’t you ever want time for yourself to be in solitude and self-reflection? All the time you waddle around in flocks. Sure, you use the fancy French word "gaggle," but we all know they’re flocks. Stop kidding yourself, you’re not that special.
You all do whatever the other one does; it’s like a giant collective, and someday it’s going to get you into trouble. If all your friends decided to do something stupid like fly south for the winter, would you just follow?
All in all, we want to thank you for taking the time to read this. We know that illiteracy has been a problem dogging your community for quite some time now. (How many goose lives could have been saved by reading the warnings on airplane turbines?). We just wanted to conclude by asking you to stop defecating on our sidewalks and stop chasing us when we carry food. That’s a job we reserve for drunken frat boys. Finally, and most importantly, please try harder not to run out in front of cars, and if you can’t do that, then you don’t have the sense God gave a goose.