She Said – 2/26/10

Since the dawn of women, we have had to put up with these neanderthals who think their sex is great. So ladies, I give you permission to say these things during sex, only under the worst circumstances. Otherwise, keep these thoughts to yourself.

1. So…should I even bother faking it?
2. Well, at least I won’t have to worry about my Nuva Ring coming out.
3. Hey! You’re better than your brother was!
4. Ohhhh.. ohhhh….oh. Never mind. Hand me that magazine please.
5. Is this your first time doing this?
6. Whoops, that’s not where that’s supposed to go.
7. I’m glad I’m so drunk I won’t remember this in the morning.
8. What are you staring at? My face is up here, pervert.
9. While I have you here, I wanted to know whether or not you had accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your savior.
10. Wow, my friends will never believe how bad you are.
11. What’s that? Oh, that’s just my dog Ralph. He gets excited when he sees me doing it. Just let him keep going or he’ll get angry.
12. Hmm… Now I know why your girlfriend dumped you.
13. So… should we tell each other who we’re really thinking about?
14. Could you please try to keep it down? My boyfriend is in the living room.
15. Could you please try to keep it down? I’m trying to go to bed.
16. I hope I’m ovulating, I hope I’m ovulating, I hope I’m ovulating!

So there you have it. A list of 16 things you shouldn’t say during sex. Now, I know you might think that there are a few more we could add, but this is a classy newspaper! However, I’d like to add one last thing that you shouldn’t say during sex. And please, heed my warning, I’ve made this mistake before and I’m pretty sure it turned the guy gay.

Never ever, under any circumstance, tell a man that he’s beautiful during sex. The next thing I knew, the guy started wearing my clothes and putting on makeup.