How to land a date in two days

It’s Friday and you’re panicked. I don’t mean just a little worried or carelessly uneasy; right now you’re in sheer existential terror. There are two days until Valentine’s Day and you’re single. Again.

How could you let this happen again? Remember last year? A group of your single friends ironically got together to watch romantic comedies and unload a year’s worth of the snark, sarcasm and venom that can only be distilled in the pressure cooker that is being single around V-day. That wasn’t fun, no matter what you tell each other.

You don’t want to do that again.

If it sounds like I’m a taking page from your diary, then this article is for you. In the next few columns I’ll describe ways to get a date in a few days. Sound impossible? It’s not. Using a few calculated strategies that I have formulated, you should be able to find a date sometime between now and Valentine’s Day. This year is going to be different and I’m going to show you how.

Tip 1. Flirt Aggressively

We all have that friend. You know the one who can’t seem to ever stop flirting, who lays it on so thick you need Windex to remove it. For the purposes of this article, let’s call her Sandra. Sandra always has a date on Valentine’s Day; there’s a reason why. Sandra is using every opportunity to hawk her wares, and someone is always lining up to buy.

When you decide to put flirting into overdrive every class discussion, chance meeting and mail delivery, there becomes an opportunity to light a neon sign over yourself that reads, "Single and Looking. Come and get it!"

I personally have a flirting style that’s best described as lying-down-naked-on-the-sidewalk-in-front-of-you. (I admit it. I am pretty obvious.) But to get a date in two days, this may not be such a bad idea.

When an attractive guy or girl walks toward you, just place yourself prone in his or her path. The genius of this tactic—as I have only figured out in the theoretical—is that to reject you, the object of your desire must brazenly trot right over your vulnerable body, leaving you a cold and teary wreck on the path behind them. Most people aren’t that rude. I know I’m not. I would go out with you just to avoid the soul-crushing guilt of having smashed your ego like a chocolate orange. But then again, I was raised Catholic.

Tip 2. Do Your Homework

The most tedious part of the getting-to-know-you phase of a relationship is finding out about the other person. I’m not talking likes and dislikes here. I mean life’s big questions: Does he have a criminal record? How much money does he make? Is he an illegal Guatemalan national seeking asylum because of a murder he may have committed in his foreign homeland?

A normal couple could just ask each other. But with Valentine’s Day in two days, you don’t have time for that delicate pas-de-deux. The solution: background checks.

Others would advise you to take this step lightly. Not me. I say screen everything; if your prospect has a weird third nipple or is a member of a Manson Family-style cult, you ought to know about it.

Don’t forget to check: credit score, criminal record, immigration status, past drug tests, family history and paternity or maternity information (because, after all, three is a crowd).

Above all don’t forget to check health records, and never overlook blood pressure. If the night ends with your date writhing on the floor in stroke-induced fits of brain-loss because he decided to order the steak instead of a salad, you’re going to wish you had stayed home and watched "The Notebook."

Background checks may cost a pretty penny, but by now you’ve committed to not being single for Valentine’s Day. By doing proverbial TSA-style strip-searches of your potential partners, you know who you can pass over right from the get-go. This way you don’t waste your time on anyone who isn’t V-Day date material.

Tip 3. Embrace Homosexuality in Yourself

Congratulations! Your dating pool just doubled. Enough said.

Tip 4. Embrace Homosexuality in Others.

Normally, it would be unthinkable to allow the occasional gay or lesbian to get by your precision gaydar. But right now, you don’t have time to be so picky.

In desperate times like these, it doesn’t matter if your date decided from an early age that he preferred the one to the zero (binary code joke, anyone?). Or that she’d rather go spelunking than mountain climbing.

If you follow these four surefire tips—along with a healthy downward readjustment in your standards (ask yourself: does your date really need to have all his teeth? I mean, some of those have got to be extra)—you should be able to avoid loneliness on Valentine’s Day. Good luck and Godspeed. To wrap it up, I have only one piece of advice: Wrap it up.