First, they came for Christmas

Every year around this time, the "political correctness Nazis" come out in full force in an attempt to shut down Christmas. Yes, Christmas seems to be a very offensive holiday. So as a present to the leftists and social progressives, I have decided to help them out. I will attempt to make Christmas politically correct.

Christmas is a religious holiday that celebrates the birth of Christ. This offends atheists, pagans, Muslims and other non-secular groups. We must abide by the amendment, separation of church and state. But wait, some may feel it is about Santa Claus and presents. Don’t worry, I can fix that.

Let’s start with Christmas carols. We can eliminate any songs that reference angels, Christ and other religious entities. Then there is "I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas." Racist. "Frosty the Snowman." Sexist. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Ageism. These are just a few samples, I’m sure the political correctness Nazis have a more extensive list. What about a Christmas tree, you ask? Can’t have one, it upsets the environmentalist. Some want to call it a holiday tree. Nope, a tree is a tree. Christmas lights, if they are not Gore approved, then we must eliminate them too. Global warming. If you use the curly florescent bulbs, the ones filled with mercury, then it might be ok.

Last but not least, Santa Claus. Yes, Santa Claus must be eliminated. Think about it. How can we have someone who is so overweight, who only eats cookies and drinks milk, when our nation is facing the greatest threat to our health care system: obesity. Santa Claus has other issues as well. As CEO and owner of a toy factory, he is discriminatory in that he only hires elves.

I bet you didn’t know Santa Claus is a hard-core criminal. No other crook has ever broken into so many homes in one night. He just doesn’t break in though, he steals milk and cookies. This could be considered a good thing; it can help with fighting obesity. Also, he spies on people. How else would he know who’s been naughty or nice? It’s clearly an invasion of privacy. He has been known to utter racial slurs. "Ho ho ho" is a derogatory slang term for certain women. Santa is one bad dude.

The idea of giving gifts can be considered capitalistic as well. You know how much you hate capitalism. Every time you go to the mall and purchase Christmas presents you are helping those greedy corporations.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I happen to love Christmas. All the traditions we share with family and friends. Seeing children’s faces light up on Christmas morning. Believing in Santa Claus. Singing Christmas carols and celebrating the birth of Christ. Christmas is a magical holiday; people are a little nicer to each other. It is time for "peace on Earth, good will toward man." Darn, another sexist line. I guess I can’t get away from it. So Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.