Hey look, it’s my turn to write an "In the Office" column. That’s because it’s the trendy thing to do –it’s my attempt to fit in with my clearly superior peers (see past issues of The Oswegonian).
Wait, that’s a blatant lie. I actually just wanted to set you guys up for my next incoherent rant, which is about trends.
Everywhere I look, I see these crazy labels that say "Now more eco-friendly," and I keep looking for an asterisk that clarifies that with: "When compared to the absolute worst environmental situation."
I really wouldn’t be surprised if these products were more expensive than their anti-nature counterparts, conveniently pieced together on the very same conveyor belt. And yet, ironically, I can almost guarantee that these products are consumed at a higher frequency –note, I am not suggesting that people eat packaging, no matter how good it is for the environment.
Then you have those eco-friendly light bulbs that take approximately seven years and two months to turn on. According to an article I read on NPR’s Web site, titled "CFL Bulbs Have One Hitch: Toxic Mercury," these crazy things contain mercury, which is dangerous. That means that you can’t recycle them, it’s not a good idea to throw them in the trash and you’re in a lot of trouble if they break. How is this "better" for the environment?
Regardless, people are jumping on the green bandwagon because there’s still room for them. Just like there’s still room for an awesome visit to the gym.
I think it’s really cool to jump in a car and drive to the local gym, then spend half an hour jogging on a treadmill while watching some sort of gossip TV show. Hopefully there’s a Starbucks on the way back, so we can refuel.
Or maybe, it’s just a better idea to walk to the gym and back without ever stepping foot inside. Then you can also skip the tanning booth, because your exposure to the sun is creating a tan far more superior than your natural and eco-friendly booth.
And Starbucks, I haven’t forgotten you. You are evil. People learn to love your over-priced coffee byproducts while they learn your insane language. It shouldn’t take a dictionary and $5 to get a cup of coffee with sugar and cream. I actually liked coffee more when it was that disgusting black water that older people drank as they ran late for work.
But what about myself? I have to admit, I’ve made a few personal choices over the past few years that don’t seem completely natural. I don’t eat pork, drink soda, use trays in the dinning hall and I avoid elevators whenever possible. These aren’t cool things to do, trust me they aren’t.
Make your own decisions people, even if they aren’t cool. Fight the power and conform to the side of non-conformity. In other words, follow my lead!