Bush’s legacy: aircraft carriers, pretzels

Looking back on the presidency of George W. Bush, it is easy to recognize that his eight years in office were a succession of disaster. His legacy is one of butchered civilians, class warfare and shattered civil liberties. He consistently undermined the principles of freedom and justice to best serve corporate America. At first glance this would place him among the most despicable human beings of recent history, but we must remind ourselves that any fool can follow orders.

The wars currently being fought in the Middle East were, from the perspective of the Bush administration, brilliantly orchestrated. The American people were made to believe that they were in constant danger. An insufficient number of jobs forced Americans into uniform who otherwise would not consider military service. The grisly details of both wars were, and continue to be, kept from the American people. As such, the Middle Eastern civilian populace remains dehumanized; and therefore, safe targets for American bombs. These factors have made it easy for oil companies and military contractors to profit from the suffering of the American and Middle Eastern people. Many contend that such a diabolically complex plan could not have been overseen by an idiot; that a dunce of such epic proportions could not possibly host enough consecutive thoughts to rob a region of its resources so efficiently. Remember, those who doubt, that on May 1, 2003, more than six years ago, Bush delivered a victory speech on the deck of an aircraft carrier. The absurdity of falsely hailing a "victory" achieved by the largest military in the world over a comparatively primitive and disorganized guerilla force aside, it should be remembered that on such an important day, our 43rd president decided to play dress up. Opting to wear a flight suit while delivering his speech, Bush resembled more closely an ecstatic youth on "take your child to work day" than the head of state.

Of course, one has ample reason to believe Bush II to be a depraved despot despite that farce. One need not look beyond the events surrounding Hurricane Katrina to find evidence of the former president‘s maniacal callousness. The storm shattered the lives of thousands of men, women and children. It took their homes, their belongings and, in many cases, their lives. But as the body count rose, the president was nowhere to be found. In fact, he was on one of his many vacations; cutting brush and bicycling while the people of New Orleans suffered. Even after being briefed on the full scope of the tragedy, he reacted slowly, continuing his vacation for a time.

Based on this, many believe Bush II to be a truly detestable man with no compassion whatsoever. Who but a cruel beast akin to the great dictators of the 20th century could do nothing as his own people remained stranded and starving? He must have no morals, no remorse, no capacity to care for anything beyond himself and his corporate benefactors. Even a man so profoundly stupid as he appears would be able to process and react accordingly to the events of the outside world, right? Perhaps. But I must refer those who think this way to the happenings of January 14, 2002.

On that day, George Walker Bush, 43rd president of the United States, leader of the free world, nearly choked to death on a pretzel. Only a man of infantile intellectual capacity could achieve a feat of such grand stupidity. Mind you, this was no large, soft pretzel. Such a foodstuff could feasibly, if not understandably, become lodged in one’s throat. But it was a regular-sized pretzel, significantly smaller than the human throat. How a full-grown man could manage to choke on a run-of-the-mill pretzel remains a mystery.

It is almost too difficult to deal with, but we must face it: for eight years our country was run by a regressive man-child who, left to his own devices, would probably be content trying to make it in the professional bumper pool circuit until the inevitable day on which his head would become trapped in a plastic bag. Instead, he was picked and polished by his father’s friends to rule the country, damned to dance on strings for his masters. Such is politics in America.